


Sirius Black Fic Collection

by marauder_harder



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), One Shot, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 02:35:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17674808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marauder_harder/pseuds/marauder_harder
Summary: Here lie the multitude of one shots that detail the lives of Sirius and you. All eras.





	1. Enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Word Count: 987.

The grass felt soft and slightly cool against your smooth skin as you laid down, however you were far too frustrated to enjoy any of it at the moment. You simply huffed for what seemed to be the sixth time in the last half hour and stared up at the sky above you. It was slowly growing darker, and closer to dinner as your stomach growled in slight hunger. You thought about giving up and just heading back to the castle, but you were never one to give in without a fight.

Thus you took in a deep breath and rose to your feet. You pulled out your wand, raising it with all the confidence you could muster.

"Come on, just do it. Think of your happiest thought. Every other one of your friends can do this, don't disappoint them."

You steeled yourself and mentally leafed through all your memories until you found one you thought would be sufficient.

"Expecto patronum." You swished your wand and felt a small wisp of power flow through but died as soon as it left the tip.

"Concentrate, damn it. Expecto patronum." You repeated with a bit more gusto, yet still nothing.

"Expecto patronum!" You shrieked, now far too aggravated to perform the spell but you still attempted.

Groaning loudly you stopped and tossed your wand to the ground, near your bag and began pacing. You ran a hand through your hair and thought about everything you could be doing wrong.

“I have the wand movement down, I am pronouncing it correctly—I’ve checked twice! I am thinking of the happiest thing I can, _why_ isn’t this working!?” Seemingly too exhausted and dejected, you sat down and pulled your knees closer to your chest.

You were lost in thought, pitifully thinking about how much of a poor witch you must be when you heard him.

“Knut for your thoughts, love?”

“Go away, Black. I’m not in the mood.” You responded sharply, and he simply chuckled.

“You never seem to be in the mood. That’s never stopped me before.” Even staring straight ahead at the Black Lake, you could hear the smug grin on his face.

“Seriously, piss off.” You snapped and turned to grab a few nearby pebbles to skip across the water.

You began throwing them, each skipping at least three times before sinking into the depths of the lake. After a few moments, you stopped and looked down at the smooth rock now twirling idly in your hands.

You took in a shaky breath and asked, just above a whisper, “Sirius—how do you know when you’re happy enough?”

Sirius looked at you, confused as to the random question. He paused and smirked halfheartedly, “if you have to ask, I don’t think you are, love.”

A deeper sadness settled in the bottom of your chest. He always took things as a joke, why should this be any different? You felt your eyes betray you as they filled with unwanted tears. You sniffed softly and closed your eyes, determined to keep them at bay.

“I suppose you’re right. It was stupid to even ask. Nevermind then.” You moved to start packing your things, suddenly not feeling hungry anymore but wanting to return to the castle anyways.

Sirius stilled as he looked at you. He’s never heard you sound so small, so defeated, so—sad. Before his brain caught up with his body, he reached out and softly grabbed your wrist.

“You’re not, er, happy?”

Slowly you opened your eyes, and looked up at him. He looked at you with an uncertainty you’ve never seen from the dark haired boy. Feeling the sharp prick of tears again you turned your head away and tried to pull yourself from his grasp.

He held on firmly though, and lifted your chin slightly to reach his eyes again. “What’s wrong?”

“I—,” you paused, unsure as to whether or not you should confess something so trivial to someone who already had it under his belt. “I can’t produce a patronus. Not even a wisp! I know I have the technicalities down, I just don’t think I have any memory that is happy enough. I’ve thought of everything, but I still come up short.”

He smiled gently and started to chuckle, seemingly very amused with the whole situation. “That’s all?”

“What do you mean ‘that’s all!’ Not all of us can be like you, you know. I’m not a good witch, I’m just—you know what, forget it. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything.” You pulled away and started back on gathering up your supplies.

For a second time, he grabbed your wrist. “I didn’t mean it like that, I just meant that casting a patronus isn’t a big deal. I’m sure you have lots of happy memories. You’re just too mixed up to sort through them all.” He paused, “I could help you if you’d like?”

Your brain screeched to a halt at the thought of him helping you. Surely, you’d die of embarrassment. Although, he had produced his patronus so easily in Defense class; maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea. After all, what else did you have to lose?

“Fine.”

A broad grin grew on his face and he abruptly stood. “Alright then, darling. Let’s do this.”

You looked up at him—his arm extended out to you, a cheeky yet reassuring smile on his face, his hair blowing gently in the wind. You took his hand and he pulled you to your feet, so you now stood inches from him.

His eyes sparkled with excitement and something just so very happy that it seemed to pour into you. You felt a warmth spread from his body into yours, starting with your intertwined hands and traveled throughout your whole being.

You smiled softly, looking up at him and felt at peace. Maybe—you thought.

Maybe you had a happy enough memory after all.


	2. Potter?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on the song "She is Love" by Parachute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count: 1,596.

_I've been beaten down,_

_I've been kicked around,_

_But she takes it all for me._

Love was there when his life fell apart. He had been so hurt, and ran to James in fear that his parents would follow him if he went to see you. He didn’t want you to know, didn’t want to disappoint you but James had insisted on sending you a letter.

“Where is he?” You asked as you stood in the foyer of the Potter mansion.

Mrs. Potter smiled, and peered down at the young girl looking so panicked and worried.

“I believe he’s in the guest bedroom. Upstairs, third door on your right.”

You nodded to her, and then dashed up the stairs, only feeling slightly guilty for not being more respectful to the woman that James had spoken so highly of for years. You had been to James’ place on several occasions and soon fell in love with the woman you had come to know as a second mother.

You burst through the door, frantic to find the boy you loved so dearly. Over by the window, you saw him sitting with James. Both of them silent, Sirius staring out the window. His eyes were red and puffy, and his mouth was set in a thin line. He’d never looked so old and so young at the same time.

_And I lost my faith,_

_In my darkest days,_

_But she makes me want to believe._

“Sirius.” You whispered his name and his head snapped over to yours. For the briefest of moments, he looked scared—like he wasn’t happy to see you. Although, once you crossed the room and opened your arms up in invitation, he knew that he couldn’t say he wasn’t relieved that you were here. He believed that right now, you were the only good thing he had left.

As soon as his head buried into your shoulder, tears started to fall from the young boy. Sobs wracked through his whole being and he shook, clinging onto you like you were the last thing in his life. You looked over at James, wide eyed and confused, as your boyfriend continued to cry.

James shrugged sadly, silently saying that he didn’t know any more than you did. “He hasn’t said anything about it yet. He’s only spoken to argue about a doctor from St. Mungo’s being called, and—,” he paused, “and owling you.”

_They call her love, love, love, love, love._

_They call her love, love, love, love, love._

_She is love, and she is all I need._

Eyebrows knitted in mild annoyance and confusion. You tried to pull away from Sirius for a moment to get a better look at him, but it seemed to only upset him further. He pulled you tighter to him, as if he were trying to fuse to you. His cries grew louder and you thought you heard a repeated, “can’t leave too.”

You brought a hand up to his head, and gently combed through his hair. “I’m not going anywhere, baby.” You cooed softly, over and over until he understood that you were not going to leave.

James stood quietly and muttered something about going to see if his mom needed help preparing dinner. You sent a thanks his way, and smiled at the politeness of your friend. He knew that Sirius would not have wanted James to see him so broken, so he left him to be comforted by the only one who could.

_Well, I had my ways,_

_They were all in vain,_

_But she waited patiently._

As you heard the click behind you, you started to slowly shuffle the two of you back towards the bed in the room. You made sure to still grip him tightly to let him know that you were still there.

“Okay, love, let me look at you now.”

His head shook slightly and he only buried his head further into your neck. His cries were slowly stopping though, so you waited until he was ready.

After a few minutes, you tried again, “please Siri, let me see your face. Let me look at you. I need to see you.”

Slowly, you heard a final sniffle come from your boyfriend and felt him pull away. He looked up at you, with such a sadness that it made your heart ache painfully.

_It was all the same,_

_All my pride and shame,_

_And she put me on my feet._

It was like they were looking at each other for the first time.

Your eyes moved across his face quickly, taking in every detail of him. His bloodshot eyes, the redness of his nose, the countless streaks of tears painted down his cheeks. His mouth was pouty, still set into a serious frown; something that you had rarely seen from the marauder. His eyelashes seemed darker, wet with fresh tears that were still pooling in his eyes. Yet, that was most prominent thing about him. His eyes were a light gray, seemingly exhausted and worn down. They aged him most, you’d thought. Worst of all, it seemed as if they’d lost the thing you loved most about them—their sparkle. His eyes seemed dull now, like something had forcibly taken the light from them. Thinking about what must have happened to do so brought tears to your eyes.

When he’d peered up at you, he’d searched your face for repulsion. He knew that he was disappointing you, burdening you with his issues. Although, all he seemed to find was remorse and adoration. It looked as if you thought you were personally responsible for what the Black family did to him, and tried to apologize for it through your expression. He knew that this was the farthest thing from the truth, and wanted to tell you how wrong it was. Yet, the words died on his tongue.

His eyes danced from your cheeks, to your mouth, to your nose, before finally landing on your eyes. When he looked into your eyes, which were quickly pooling with unshed tears, he saw how much adoration you had for him. He knew that regardless of what he had done, what had happened back home, that you still loved him; and that is all he needed to know. He needed to know that you still wanted to stay, that you wouldn’t reject him like everyone else in his life had.

_They call her love, love, love, love, love._

_They call her love, love, love, love, love._

_They call her love, love, love, love, love._

_She is love, and she is all I need._

Hesitantly, you found your voice, and plucked up the courage to ask, “what did they do to you?”

Startled by the sincerity and pain in your tone, he jumped. Your hand quickly reached out to his, needing to convey the feelings that you knew were not the time to say.

He glanced down at your hand covering his and then looked to the window. He felt his cheeks burn in the all too familiar feeling of shame. He took in a stuttering breath and released it slowly. Licking his chapped lips, he contemplated what he should tell you. He could feel you shaking with anger, or possibly fear, and decided that he couldn’t speak of everything those people did to him, told him.

He settled for what he thought would convey the most.

“I’m not a Black anymore. They burned my name off.”

Your breath hitched as he told you the news. He’d finally be disowned by those wretched people. Sadly, you thought, you’d miss the ring that calling the dark haired boy ‘Black’ had to it.

“Well, it would seem like you are a better Potter anyhow.” You smirked and tried to have it reach your eyes.

_And when that world slows down, dear._

_And when those stars burn out, here._

_Oh she'll be there, yes she'll be there,_

Sirius smiled for the first time since he left Hogwarts this past break, and let out a bitter laugh. It seemed that only you could make something so terrible, so painful, seem alright.

“I thought you said you’d never date a Potter in a million years?”

“Yeah, well, I was 12 when I said that. Don’t hold it against me.” You poked his chest softly, and smiled up at him.

_They call her love, love, love, love, love._

_They call her love, love, love, love, love._

_They call her love, love, love, love, love._

Sirius leaned forward and captured your lips in a kiss. He tried to convey all his jumbled thoughts into it, and you knew. You felt how desperate he held you, how his lips still tasted of tears. You pushed yourself up and onto his lap, trying to convey how much you wanted him too. With your hands tangled in his hair, your chest pushed flush against his, he knew. He felt how needed he was, how loved. You were all raw passion and _love_ , and he craved every second of it.

Reluctantly pulling away, the two of you parted and looked into each other’s eyes.

“I love you, Sirius Black-Potter.” You whispered to him softly, testing out the name on your lips. You concluded that you didn’t hate the sound of it.

He smiled gently, touched by the thought of you calling him Potter. “And I love you, Y/N Y/L/N.”

_She is love, and she is all I need,_

_She is love, and she is all I need,_

_She is love, and she is all I need._

_She's all I need._


	3. P.S. I Love You.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count: 2,094.

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon. You were in the boys’ dormitory, lounging on Sirius’ bed and waiting for him to get out of the shower. You sighed in slight annoyance as you knew it was going to be a while. He was always so keen on using the “finest muggle products for his precious hair” and cursed Lily and yourself for showing them to him in the first place. 

His showers always took at least an hour, actually longer when you were around him because he tended to ask you to join him. You were never one to say no to the boy, especially when you both were very, er — _ hygienic _ , to say the least.  

Shaking yourself of such thoughts, you sat up and looked around the room. You knew it well, as Sirius and you had spent many days holed up together cuddling on a cold winter’s day, or spent nights forcing him to study for an upcoming exam. You were the only one who got Sirius Black to study, and  _ always _ had to persuade him with rewards. Mainly kisses.

As you looked at his trunk at the end of his bed your eyes lit up and quickly walked over to it. Even though it was the first day of spring, it was still quite cool outside and you loved borrowing his sweaters. They rivaled Remus’ in the level of comfiness, only beating his when they smelled like his cologne. 

You were rummaging through the trunk, set on finding a particular favorite jumper of his, when you came across a small box that you had never seen before. Picking it up, you brushed off the small amount of dust on the worn top of the box. It looked old and like it had been opened and shut many times. Part of the edge was chipped off, and it had two initials carved into the top. S.B. It was clearly Sirius’ but you had never seen him with the tiny package. You slowly went to open it when you paused. 

You shouldn’t be snooping through his stuff. If you had never seen it before then it was probably for good reason. He’s allowed to keep things to himself, why should you invade his privacy? Huffing softly, you stared down at this moral dilemma in your hands. It was just so tempting, and you had always been too curious for your own good. One peek wouldn’t hurt, would it?

You carefully lifted open the box, and pulled out its content. A pile of old papers, a ring, and some photographs. You smiled softly, quite surprised by your discovery. 

You had recognized the ring as one his dad gave him when he was a young boy. He said that it was the ring that was handed down through the generations in the Black family and he hoped that he’d hand it down to his son one day. You smiled sadly at the thought. Even if things with his family had fallen apart, he still kept something that was close to his father. 

The photographs were ones from his entire lifetime. Some older, more frayed, and some were crisp and new, like they had been taken recently. They were of him and his friends, him and you, and some old ones with him and Regulus as kids. They looked so happy, so carefree that it warmed your heart. At least they were close at one point. 

You laughed slightly when you came across one of the marauders and you, all laughing while you pointed at Sirius with ice cream in his hair. It was taken on one of the last days of 5th year, when James dumped his ice cream on his friend’s head because he made fun of his chances with Lily. The boys were always messing around with one another and your heart swelled at the sweet memory. 

Quietly, you looked down at the stack of papers. There were two, one pile looking considerably more well read than the other. You picked up the well read stack first and plucked one from the top. Opening it, you realized they were letters. Your letters, more specifically. They were the ones you had wrote him two summers ago — ones that you thought he never got. He had never responded to a single one you wrote him. You had wondered why he never returned any letter the entire summer, it nagging at you until you thought you had gone mad. Just as the beginning of that August went by, you had stopped sending him anything, believing that his parents were hiding them from him or that they were being delivered to the wrong house. 

However, your eyes went to the other stack of papers in the bottom of the box, folded crisply and looking entirely less worn. They didn’t seem like they were nearly as well read. You hesitantly opened one and read it. 

_Dear Y/N,_ _June 7th, 1974_

_ I got your letter today. I had to sneak it in past my parents, but I got it through. Reg said that he’d buffer all of my mail that I got for me, so  you don’t have to worry about me not getting them.  _

_ I’m so glad to hear from you, you have no idea. I know the break has just barely started but I am already counting the days until I get to go back. It is terrible here. Mum is set on teaching me ‘the proper, Black way of life.’ It is repulsive. She takes me to these fancy galas, trying to ‘find a suitable partner,’ which means a rich, snotty, air-head pure blood. I can’t stand going to them anymore. Although, I’m thinking of making them slightly more fun _ — _ the marauder way. I’d bet you be rolling your eyes at that.  _

_ Y/N, I miss you. Probably more than you know. I hate it when I’m not around you, you know. It seems like everything is so bloody boring and dull. Hell, it is boring and dull when you’re not around. Look, I know that I’m no good with words, but there is something I feel like I need to tell you.  _

_ You are the best friend I’ve ever had. Don’t tell James I said that, but it’s true. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, and I know that you make my world so much brighter, so much better. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you in my life. You mean so much to me, darling. You’re smart, and disciplined, yet you still know how to have fun. You have the most gorgeous laugh, honestly I think I could listen to it all day. And bloody hell, you are so very beautiful. I know you don’t see it, but I wish you would. You have such a natural beauty, without even trying. You drive me insane, Y/N.  _

_ I know it was a terrible way of telling you, but every time I think of you I seem to get all jumbled up. Words just don’t seem to do you justice. You are so much more. _

_ Anyways, I hope you are doing well, sweetheart. I cannot wait to hear from you again, as I think it will be the only thing to get me through this dreadful summer. And I hope I didn’t scare you off.  _

_ Eagerly waiting for your response,  _

_ S.B. _

You folded up the letter, and put it back down. So he  _ did _ get the letters? Why didn’t he ever send them? Did his parents end up stopping him from sending it? Hesitantly, you read through more of the letters until you finally realized why he didn’t send any of them. It was a passage from one in the middle of July:

_ I know you are probably wondering why you aren’t getting any letters back, and I am so sorry for that. If you ever confront me, I’ll probably lie and say that my parents took them away. I’m sorry for that too. Although, knowing you, you probably wouldn’t ask. You’d just be going barking mad waiting all summer for a reply. But I can’t bring myself to send you anything. _

_ I know it seems strange, and rather rude, but I have realized something since the moment I finished writing you that first letter. I know it would freak you out, mostly because it freaks me out. I haven’t even said it out loud yet. But I think that you have the right to know, even if you never get this letter.  _

_ I love you.  _

_ I know, I know, the infamous heartbreaker Sirius Black fell for someone. It is hard to believe, right? I don’t know how it happened, but it did. And I am so, so sorry it did. I know that I’ll never be good enough for you. I know that I’ll never be able to give you what so many others can. But I can’t help but look at you and fall deeper.  _

_ And you have no idea how much that scares me. I’m not supposed to love anyone. I’m not supposed to care. It isn’t who I am. It is my one rule. Yet, whenever you are around, it seems that I don’t even remember why I had that rule to begin with. You are so perfect, Y/N. Too perfect. And I know that you’ll never love someone as childish and egotistical as me, but maybe you might find it in your heart to try?  _

_ When we go back to school, if you don’t hate me for ignoring you all summer, I am going to try and win you over. I know it seems stupid, and could end up making you despise me for good, but I can’t go knowing that I love you and not have at least tried to do something about it.  _

And he did. You had always wondered what changed between you two once you got back from summer vacation. He had said that when he saw you on the platform, he thought you looked more beautiful. He said that you grew into yourself that summer, and that you became more confident. You would have never known that he not only liked you, but  _ loved _ you since that July. 

Smiling widely, you put down the letters and placed everything back into the box neatly, the way you had found it. You closed the lid and stared at the initials scrawled into the top. You smiled and picked up your wand, muttering a small spell to engrave your initials next to his. Hopefully he will see it and know that you looked into it. 

You put back the box and closed his trunk, content with not finding his sweater. The heat in your chest had spread throughout your entire body, warming it nicely. 

Just as you sat back down on his bed, Sirius appeared in the room clearly done with his shower. 

“What were you doing?” He asked, his signature smirk plastered on his face along with a curiously arched brow. 

“Just thinking.” You replied, and walked over to him, draping your arms around his neck lazily. 

“About what?” 

You beamed up at him, your heart feeling so incredibly full with love for the handsome boy in front of you. “About how much I love you.”

He laughed heartily at your response and brought his hands to your hips. He pulled you close to him, your body now pressed against his bare, slightly damp chest. 

“Well, I’m glad then, because come to think of it, I was just thinking about how much I love you.” 

You quirked an eyebrow questioningly and leaned in close enough so your lips were almost brushing. “Oh yeah? And how much is that?” 

You felt, rather than heard, him exhale, and your head spun with the intoxicating scent of him. 

“Why don’t I show you, love?” He whispered, and closed the gap between the two of you, pressing  his lips to yours. 

You kissed back passionately, and he smiled softly into the kiss, thinking back to the moment he realized he was in love with you. 

He was petrified then, so incredibly scared of loving someone that much. But now, with him holding you in his arms, he realized how much you’ve taught him. You taught him how to be a better student, a better friend, and a better person. You taught him how to truly be a man. Most importantly, you taught him how to love; and for that he couldn’t be more thankful. 


	4. Yellow Healing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Requested:  
> okay I asked cause I was thinking about reader x sirius where reader is really good friends with the marauders and being generally a very bubbly person (which is why sirius likes her so much) but one summer when she goes home she suffers abuse and go back to hogwarts with some bruises and a much sadder personality and all the marauders try to find out what's happening and are the biggest sweethearts also reader and sirius bond over having suffered family abuse?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count: 1,120.

At first, red. 

The color of your stinging skin after it happened. The stains on the towels as you tried not to make a mess of the bathroom floor. Your bloodshot eyes after hours of crying yourself to sleep. 

She didn’t mean to do it. You justified this as a slip of her hand, a rush of her temper before she could compose herself. It was the first time it happened, and you quickly dismissed it as being an outlying incident. Muggle violence was most definitely not a pureblood way, and it surely would not be repeated. 

Red stayed for a week or so, only vaguely leaving a small form of itself as a scar on your skin where it stung and ran outside your body days prior.

Then, blue. 

The color of your tender, aching skin every time you moved. The water that you suddenly felt you could not tread any longer. The sky as you looked up, fearing to take a breath or make a sound in your own home. The blood pumping in your veins as it rushed in your ears. The constant reminder of a repeated offense. 

She meant it this time. It was no longer a muggle form, but one that purebloods would be proud of. You realized this through the calculated flick of her wand and the unmerciful look in her eyes. The curses left marks, each one a different shape with each unique spell she used to discipline you. You could not justify this away, could not make excuses for the woman who you thought was supposed to shelter you from harm. Once, the red was of quick anger, but this blue light from her wand was much more.

Blue lasted longer. From the severity of its inflictions to the numerous accounts you were subjected to. You didn’t understand why blue had taken a liking to you, and your skin. It was more than just a physical reminder on your frame, but an imprint of its form in the deepest recesses of your mind. Blue took the shape of sadness and anxiety, washing over you until you felt as if you were drowning. It wormed its way down into your soul. Blue wanted to stay, wanted you to remember it long after it was gone. 

You thought you welcomed purple. 

The signs that blue was fading from your skin-- a healing mark. Although, purple was darker than blue, and more painful. The flinching after any contact in which your skin made. The wince on your face as you stared in the mirror. Purple almost looked black in some lights, and it reflected the state you were living in: getting worse before it can get better. 

She loved the color though. It symbolized royalty and regalness. If this were the case, you thought she must have wanted you to be at the height of honor in your family, as she covered your skin in the queenly color. This quickly became her favorite curse to use, as it produced the right amount of obedience and pain. You missed the fleeting color of red, but your longing vanished as you saw it in the rage of her eyes. 

Purple was lonely and humble. It shared room for both blue and red, painting your skin in dark, painful hues. If you thought blue loved you, then purple was obsessed. It clung to you in more ways than blue ever had. Purple would last for the majority of your time back home, and as it drew nearer to the return of school, you worried that it would not fade. 

So you bought your skin. Liquid in a muggle bottle that you could paint across the reds, blues, and purples that made a home for themselves on your figure. You refused to allow Hogwarts and all who were in it to see the physical reminder of her regal colors. 

However, you did not count on the fact that someone could look within you enough to see the swirl of black and blue that crawled its way into your mind. You once surrounded yourself with the dark burgundy and gold of Gryffindor boys, but now wanted the gray walls of your dormitory as your only friend. All of the marauders saw this change. You were withdrawn, seemingly not the same open person you once were. They missed the bubbly nature you had in the year prior, and worried that something was terribly wrong; but you evaded them expertly. 

Soon enough after your return to school, you hesitantly accepted green. 

It brought the fading of the darkness that coated your skin. Yet, it took much longer to reach your mind. The pain was lessened, and you realized that your body was trying to heal itself. The broken pieces laid out on the floor of your home were now being put back together in the solitude and safety of Hogwarts’ walls. 

Green didn’t stay long. It did its job and moved onward. Green was practical and logical. It slowly showed you a clarity to your blue and purplish thoughts. You were far from healing, but green introduced you to the process. 

Lastly, yellow. 

An accent color to your favorite house. The sunrises you looked forward to again. The pain was barely there now, and it only briefly left an ache in the deepest parts of your being. 

It was the only color Sirius was able to see. You stopped using your bottled skin, and allowed the bold gold of Gryffindor back into your soul. He talked to you for hours, wanting to know what was wrong. You cracked under the weakness of yellow healing and let him into your life this past holiday. 

Sirius’ heart tried to take all of your blues and purples. It had known far too well the pain of the dark colors, and was briefly filled with red at the thought of you being subjected to it. Closing his eyes, he took in a deep breath and remembered his own yellow healing. It was raw and harsh, taking the longest to fade away. 

The two of you sat in the yellow light of the fire all night; sharing stories of reds, blues, purples, and greens. Bodies faded to flesh eventually, but the colors of the mind were always there. Soon the conversation turned to silvers and whites. You talked about both of your hopes and dreams. Two red hearts swelled in the closeness of intertwined souls that night. 

And when the night was coming to a close, the sun shining through the windows of the Gryffindor common room, pink lips slowly melted into one another; and you both finally basked in the warmth of each other’s yellow healing. 


	5. Their 46th Year.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Requested:  
> Since James Birthday was not long ago, can you please write an imagine where the reader is James twin and everyone is celebrating the occasion (golden trio era and next gen) and the Voldemort thing never happened? Maybe a family/friend quidditch game? (Sirius x reader please too) tysm if you do this !! 💓💓

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count: 589.

Forty-six was a very important number in Sirius Black’s lifetime. 

It took him approximately forty-six seconds after he first saw you to become enchanted. 

Your hair, your eyes, your smile--he wanted to know everything about you. You caught him by surprise and he was shocked. He had never seen such beauty, and wondered how someone could seem as perfect as you. 

It also took him another forty-six minutes to strike up the courage to talk to you. 

Never usually being the one of nerves when it came to anything, especially girls, Sirius was extremely confused by this. His palms grew clammy, his heartbeat sped incredibly, and he felt as if his hair was much too unruly in that moment. Still, he walked over set on leaving with your name and plans to see you again soon. 

Sadly, it took only about forty-six seconds for you to turn the young boy down. 

You knew who he was. Infamous flirt Sirius Black was not someone who you wanted to deal with. You didn’t have time for such matters. You had a focus of friends, family, and schoolwork; boys be damned. 

Sirius was persistent though and it took him another forty-six weeks to win you over. 

An entire year of him constantly trying to gain your attention, often much to your chagrin and few times to your hexes. He flirted suavely and teased, almost always returned with a slight blush and a witty rejection on your part. You didn’t want to be another one of Sirius’ conquests and only when he assured you that he wasn’t looking for something short term, did you relent and give the boy a chance. 

Forty-six dates to Hogsmeade.

Forty-six nights spent bare to the other. 

Forty-six full moons you spent patching the boys up.

You spent forty-six months blissfully young and happy in the arms of Sirius Black. 

You were both still at Hogwarts, hidden from the true dangers of the wizarding world. There was a war coming and even though you both put on a face of being strong, you were scared. After graduating you both joined the Order and knew that with every mission could bring about the last moment with one another. 

It was only until after another forty-six stress filled months of war, did Sirius ask you to marry him. 

And now, forty-six years later, on Sirius’ best friend’s fifty-seventh birthday did he realize how important everything around him was. As James Sirius, Albus, and his sister fly around their yard with James Senior hot on their tails, Sirius basked in happiness. He was surrounded by laughter and smiles and so much  _ love _ . Love he didn’t think he would ever be able to have. 

Love that you gave him, and he gave you in return. 

Sirius turned to you, and watched as you laughed along with Remus and Lily in the shade. Your hair blowing gently in the breeze and your smile radiating a warmth that Sirius seemed to absorb. He blissfully thought that he had never felt happier being surrounded with his family. 

He watched as your daughter came up to you and sat down, smiling at something Remus had said. He had a family with you, and he still sometimes had to pinch himself to prove he wasn’t dreaming.

Yet, the pinch always hurt, in the best possible way. You were real, all of this was real. You have been married to Sirius Black for forty-six years, and with any luck to him, you’d be with him for another forty-six.


	6. Words Fail.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on the song "Words Fail" from the musical Dear Evan Hansen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count: 1,652.

Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath in, tilting his head back as far as it could go as he listened. Slowly, Sirius exhaled, before taking in another long breath of burning, cold air.

He loved when the whole castle was like this: calm, but never truly quiet. Even when it was the dead of night he still heard the way Hogwarts would settle. He felt like there were times that it was alive, waiting for something to happen. There was no doubt that Hogwarts protected its students; but some nights Sirius loved to listen to the way it relaxed, knowing that the children were safe and in bed, tucked away where nothing could do them harm. 

Hogwarts protected its students, but only within its walls. When Sirius left, that’s when he made a mess of things. 

Rolling his neck slowly, he let out a soft, broken sigh. From the highest point in the castle, he tried to focus on every calm aspect of his surroundings; trying to both make sense of it all and distract himself. 

He listened as the wind blew, still soft and gentle even at the top of the astronomy tower. He heard the stiff branches cut through the wind, sturdy and cold in the middle of winter. He listened as the paintings snored, quietly dreaming of their times that they walked the halls of the castle themselves. He listened as the floorboards unclenched and the dust settled. Everything seemed so magical, like there were no words to describe the beauty of the calm.

He didn’t mean to make such a mess of things.

And he had tried. Tried to search for something to say, to make things right, but words failed him. Words weren’t enough to fix what he had done. 

Closing his eyes again, Sirius felt the way the wind blew against him coldly. Even in its soft caress, he had never felt more alone, more at war with himself. He had really messed everything up this time. 

“Sirius?” he wouldn’t have heard the almost silent whisper if it weren’t for the way he tried to mold himself into the castle. Whipping around, his eyes widened as he saw you staring at him. Your eyes were shining in the moonlight, dancing with concern. 

Sirius stood there silently, not sure what to say or how to form words anymore. The intense way you looked up at him, scared and yet not of him, made him shiver. He briefly wondered if your fear was  _ for  _ him. You slowly took a step forward, as if he was going to disappear if you moved too quickly. 

“Sirius, talk to me,” you murmured, voice soothing and melodic. “Please, what happened?”

You watched as his eyes screwed shut tightly, visibly flinching at your question. For a few moments neither of you said anything. Sirius’ mind was racing, trying to figure out the words to say what he had done. Why he had done it. 

“I —” he paused, listening to his heartbeat thundering in his ears and the way his breaths grew more ragged. “I fucked up.”

Your heart shattered at the sound of his broken voice. You had no idea what had happened with the boys, just something about this month’s full moon and it being more dangerous than usual; but it was obvious now that whatever happened, Sirius blamed himself for it. 

“Sirius,” you cooed, trying to close the distance so you could bring him into your arms. Yet, the motion had spooked him and he took a few steps back towards the edge of the tower. “Let me help you.”

Shaking his head, he scoffed out a bitter laugh. “There’s no helping this one, Y/N. I fucked up and lost…” he trailed off, thinking of everything he had built for himself the past five years at Hogwarts. “Everything.”

Slowly, Sirius turned back to face the grounds below him, watching the snowfall. He looked more anguished than you had ever seen before and your heart positively ached for him. You wanted to help him but didn’t know how. You both were quiet for a long while, standing perfectly still in order to not make a single sound. 

Then, he said, “I never had this kind of thing before, you know.” The statement confused you, but you remained silent, waiting for him to continue. “I never had the dad who stuck it out, the mom who was just there because; and I know that’s not a worthy explanation, but I don’t think there is one.”

“That’s not true,” you whispered, slowly walking to the edge of the tower next to him. Looking ahead, you made sure not to glance at him. “You guys have been through everything together.”

“Nothing can change what I’ve done.” 

He let his mind wander as he remembered the last five years in this castle. The last five years with James, pranking and laughing at the silly mischief they’d spread. The last five years with Peter, sneaking down to the kitchens and playing wizard’s chess with him late into the night. The last five years with Remus, figuring out how to become an animagus and running throughout the forbidden forest to help him. He thought of the last five years with you, the way you always tried to help and the way he had fallen for you. It was everything he wanted, everything he needed to make him whole. It was right there in front of him and he had gone and thrown it away. 

“That’s true,” you agreed softly, “but that doesn’t mean that there is no getting past this.”

“There’s nothing I can say,” he sighed sadly. He wanted to believe you; he wanted to believe it was true. But he knew that it was just a sad invention, the universe tricking him into having something real. A life that was happy and loving and now it was ripped away from him; he ripped it away and gave it up.

Reaching out, you placed your hand atop his, stroking his moonlit skin with your thumb absently. “Then don’t say, do.”

He thought about it for a moment. Maybe he could show the others how sorry he was. Maybe if he just tried hard enough, he didn’t have to give them up. Because deep down, he knew that he couldn’t let it go. “I need to believe things will be okay,” he whispered harshly into the air, almost choking on the words as his tears pooled behind his eyes. “I can’t lose everything because they’ve seen the worst of me.”

You didn’t notice the soft start of a sob you exhaled as you quickly grabbed hold of his arm and tugged him into you. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you stood on your tippitoes and carded your hands through his soft hair. “Love, this isn’t the worst of you; you just made a mistake.”

Sirius listened as you murmured soft, warm assurances in his ear. He needed the comfort; he needed the strength to believe that he was more than broken parts and the mess he had made. After many moments of quiet, you heard the sharp stuttering of sobs rip their way from his throat. “I’m sorry,” he repeated over and over again. “I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for; not to me. Never to me, love.”

“I just,” he sniffed, his voice still muffled as he buried his face further into your neck. “I don’t want them to see the worst of me. They can’t see;  _ you _ can’t see. Please, don’t see.”

Tears flowing freely between the two of you, you bit your lip to try to remain calm. You had never seen Sirius like this before and the sight of such a broken, hurting boy both broke and terrified you. You held him tighter, kissing his temple repeatedly from the side of your mouth. “Sirius, sweetheart, look at me.” Shaking his head, he pulled you closer in an almost painful grip. Clearing your throat, you repeated yourself, voice stronger this time. “Sirius Black, look at me.”

Pulling away, you looked up at the boy who held your heart. His nose was red and irritated, his eyes red and puffy. Yet, the way his eyelashes darkened with the dampness of his tears made you smile. This was, and always would be, the same Sirius you had fallen in love with, regardless of what he had done. 

“They hate me,” he whispered hoarsely. 

Shaking your head with a calming smile, you tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. “No, love, they don’t. They’re confused and hurt right now—because of whatever happened. But they could never hate you. I could never hate you.”

Cracking the faintest of smiles, Sirius sniffed again. “Thank you. I love you, Y/N.” 

“I love you too, Sirius,” you said, taking his hand in yours. “Things will be okay, I promise.”

Neither of you said anything after, words failing to describe the weight that was lifted from his shoulders at your presence. You both had made a spot for yourselves, cuddling against the wall in the astronomy tower. Sirius really didn’t want to go back to his room and you were far too tired to make it all the way back to your dorm. Thus, the two of you stayed, watching the sun step out across the treeline. 

It was beautiful and calm watching the sun rise over all of Hogwart’s grounds. Slowly, the two of you felt the castle wake again; coming to life in order to spend another day protecting its students. 

That’s what Sirius hoped for. The strength and protection from the castle when he needed to fix the mess he had made. Maybe he could show them that he wasn’t going to run away from the truth anymore. 

He was going to make things better, even when words failed.


	7. Let Her Go.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on the song "Let Her Go" by Passenger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count: 2,784.

Sirius felt the cold snow seep into his trousers, his knees quickly burning against the soaked cloth—the only barrier between his legs and the frozen ground. His eyes were trained to the floor, staring at the muddied gray snow piled around a slab of stone. Words etched into it now show white, filled with years of leaves and dirt, only to be topped off with a fresh coat of frozen water. 

Sirius had to dig his way to see the words; his raw and reddening hands both, somehow, burning from the cold and completely numb. He didn’t feel the way they shook against the freezing stone, nor the way his cheeks burned against the warm tears sliding down them. All he felt was the dizzying feeling as his eyes blurred out of focus, leaving only a swimming of the white, browns and grays in front of him.

“You shouldn’t be here,” the voice was soft, yet firm in its convictions. He knew that Sirius was hurting, but it didn’t excuse him for being there. 

Sirius didn’t have to lift his head to know that it was Remus, standing far enough in the shadows to not be seen. He was always so careful and meticulous—a reason that Sirius had once thought could have been evidence of being the leak. Remus was at just a far enough distance where it wasn’t obvious, that he would not be suspected of any connection if something were to happen. Years of being a werewolf made it easy for him to lie in the shadows, knowing how to adapt and survive—another reason Sirius had once suspected him of betrayal. 

How foolish he had been. 

“People can see—you’re out in the open for Merlin’s—” Remus murmur grew sharper, more scolding. It was as if Sirius was back in Hogwarts, on the receiving end of his punishment for another prank. How he longed to go back now; even if just to tell himself to hold onto those moments tighter. To remember them better, not waste every moment like he had in thinking that the world lay at his feet. 

“I know.” Sirius’ own voice was nothing but a hoarse whisper in the deafening silence surrounding them. “I couldn’t just not—after all this time I had to—” The words cracked against his throat, leaving him raw and sore. He knew that he shouldn’t be there, in a place so obvious if anyone had wanted to look. Yet, after twelve years away he had to see them. Had to see for himself where they were; remind himself that what happened was  _ real _ and just where he had let everyone go.

The dizzying swimming of colors ceased for a moment after he blinked once, then twice. Tears that he didn’t realize had trailed down his cheeks grew behind his eyes again. He relished in the burning sting as he kept them at bay. He had told himself nearly eleven years ago that he wasn’t going to waste any more energy crying over the life he had been served and this was not going to be a time he broke that to wallow in his own pity. 

Glancing to his right, he slid his body closer to the matching grave, wiping at the snow covered tombstone just as he had before. He watched as the dull gray of the stone slowly revealed her name, beautiful and pure as she was, like magic. His fingers danced over the engravement, through the contours of her name reverently. His hands were nearly purple now, bare and positively aching down to the bone. 

“I’m sorry, Evans,” he mouthed, the nickname still not lost on his tongue, even years after their marriage. Even years after their deaths. 

Sobs, too broken to make any noise, wracked through his frame violently until he was leaning forward, curling in on himself as he cried. He didn’t want to cry and he actually wasn’t, not really. Only a few tears were shed as he shook, leaving him feeling hollow and just as empty as he felt when he first found them—their  _ bodies _ , his mind had corrected—that night on Halloween.

“Sirius,” Remus prodded, closer now. The warmth of his voice made Sirius’ soul crack further just by the unfamiliarity of the feeling. 

Looking up into his friend’s eyes, he saw the pain there, too. Remus, even if for many years did Sirius think was the lucky one in this scenario, was hurting just as much as he was. Staring for a few moments longer, he searched his face only to find hesitation dancing across his features. 

His mind racing at the thought of the anger and yelling that was to come, Sirius flinched involuntarily. He prepared his body, without realizing, for the feeling of desperation and aching loneliness. Years upon years of being nothing but a delicious game for dementors left him expecting the worst when he was in trouble. The sobs that had him trembling like a small boy had long stopped, fearing that his crying over the friends he had lost would only upset Remus further. Who was he to be crying over them anyway? It was his fault that they had died. 

Yet, Sirius’ long list for Remus’ expected anger had been interrupted by a hand slowly reaching out to stop in front of his face. Ignoring Sirius’ flinch, Remus simply sniffed and offered a sad grimace, “Pads, there’s something you need to see.”

On shaky feet Sirius allowed himself to be hauled up by Remus and followed him, wondering what could have been so important that he would risk being seen with one of the most wanted fugitives of the wizarding world. Sirius also noted the way Remus was guiding him, gentle and hovering as if he was waiting for his legs to give out. 

A bitter scoff left his throat, but even it sounded weak. He must have really looked like shit. 

As the two friends walked a few more meters, towards an old tree that would hide them from view, Sirius felt the pit deep in his stomach grow. He couldn’t think of many that Remus would need him to see, his mind already so tired of hearing about the people he had lost. Yet, Sirius’ whole body seemed to tense as he realized who that was six feet below him. Remus’ hand collided with his back when Sirius stopped dead in his tracks, unwilling to move another muscle. 

“No,” he said, his voice louder than it had been in a long while. 

“It was a few years after you had been in Azkaban and—” 

“No,” he cut him off, head dizzy and eyes swimming with more unshed tears. “Moony,  _ no _ .” 

“Okay,” he relented, just for a few moments before Sirius felt the warmth of Remus’ hand leave him. “Just—”

Sirius heard Remus sigh and then walk closer towards the tree, before bending down and making a short wiping motion with his glove covered hand. It was the same motion Sirius had made at the headstones of James and Lily. He wouldn’t let it be the same motion for you. 

Closing his eyes for a moment, he squeezed his hand into a fist at his side. For a few moments he felt nothing, until the low ache of his nails digging into his raw skin made its way to him. A cold wind swept by him and Sirius briefly noted how much he would rather have had the wind blow him away, back to Azkaban. 

His feet moved on their own accord, knowing that his own mind would neither command them to move closer nor have the strength to do so. Slowly, the name Remus had been staring down at made its way into his line of focus and Sirius felt his whole world fall around him. 

Sinking to the floor again, this time involuntarily, he wailed. It was a noise that made Remus’ heart shatter, sounding more like a wounded animal than any human noise he had ever heard. Sirius felt his empty stomach roll and heave against the cold, dead air. The bitter bile he tasted in his mouth made no show of itself yet he couldn’t stop his stomach from trying to contract over and over again.

He had remembered the only other time he had felt this hopeless, this lost. There were only two moments in his life: when he found his brother and his wife dead and the first night he spent in Azkaban. The way everything surrounding him was seemingly circling overhead, waiting to come crashing down, made the fear and panic set in. 

You were gone and he hadn’t even known. 

As the sun began to rise over the houses, Remus remembered just where they were. Even if partially hidden by the tree, it was only a matter of time before the rest of Godric’s Hollow woke. They couldn’t risk being seen. “Sirius, we need to go.”

The words fell on deaf ears as Sirius continued to rock himself ever so slightly, trying to remember the way you felt in his arms. He had known that he had lost you when he went to Azkaban, but he didn’t realize how little he ever had of you to begin with. 

Your timing was always messed up, you’d said, smiling sadly at him. Things had happened in the world around you that neither had control over and things just hadn’t aligned properly. Sirius had spent years pining over you, trying desperately to ignore messing up the one good thing in his life. He, at the time, had not known that you were just as desperately pining away after him. Yet, once it had finally come out in the open, you both were in the midst of a raging war. There was no time for love or romance, not to him. 

He had seen first hand the worry and stress love had put both James and Lily through and he couldn’t stand the thought of you caught up over him. Whether he liked it or not, ever since the birth of Harry, James was compromised in the field. He had been sent into  _ hiding _ for Merlin’s sake! Naively, Sirius had thought, that James, while being smart to protect his family, was foolish to let himself love in a time like that. 

No matter how hard you tried to fight for him, Sirius had told you no. That once this was all over and you were  _ safe _ , he would allow himself to be with you. Because if you would still be gracious enough to have him, he would need to have you without being terrified that something would happen. 

With a smile and a chaste kiss—the only one the two of you had ever shared—you told him that if it was what he truly needed, then you would wait. You would wait through the worried, paranoia filled nights and the long, gruesome battles. Because you had said that he was worth it.

“She—” he sobbed, remembering the soft lilt of your voice clearly for the first time since he had left you. “Did she believe that I—that James—”

“No,” Remus cut him off, throat catching as he tried to sound convincing. “She believed in you, Pads. Always had.”

Another wounded sound tore from Sirius’ anguished heap of a bony form and he slowly reached out to have his fingers dance along your name, just as he did with Lily’s. “Y-You’re not just saying that, yeah? She really thought I was innocent?” 

Taking in a deep breath, Remus bit his lip and tucked away his own guilt that was gnawing at him sharply. “Yeah,” he chuckled slightly, rocking back on his heels, “caused a bit of a rift, actually. She was just so sure she  _ knew _ .” There were a few more moments of silence, Sirius’ sobs have quieted again and Remus’ own tears had started flowing silently. “She had tried to get you a trial. Jumped through every hoop imaginable with the Ministry, but she—she never gave up. ‘Said that you wouldn’t give up on her, that waiting wasn’t good enough this time.

“She was trying to figure out who else could have done it, looking into every Death Eater she could. A-And that’s when they got the drop on us… I tried to help but—Sirius, I’m so sorry but we can’t be out here.”

“Go, Remus.”

There was a few moments of silence before Sirius felt the comforting squeeze of his hand on his shoulder. The presence was comforting and calm and just as he got used to the feeling, it disappeared. By the time Sirius had gained the strength to sit up and turn around, he heard the loud crack of apparition and saw nothing standing behind him. 

He was alone again. 

It was many nights later when Sirius had finally made his way back to the cave he had come to call ‘makeshift home.’ Finally, he let himself fully mourn the loss of you. Staring into the bottom of a bottle of cheap scotch—he had bummed it off of some muggle store; something to add to the list of ‘things he wasn’t proud of’—Sirius had realized that everyone he touched dies. 

“Reg, James, Lily, Y/N…” he trailed off, lolling his head to the other side to stare at a sleeping Buckbeak. “I killed them all.” He paused for a moment, feeling his eyes blur with more unshed tears. “I’m a right fool, Beaky ol’ pal. I never told her I loved ‘er.” 

Buckbeak simply shifted in his sleep, curling into himself further to shield himself from the rain now pouring outside. Sirius sobbed again, thinking to himself how pathetic it must be for him to be crying in the middle of the night, in a cave, while he was a hiding fugitive. If only you could have seen him now. 

Closing his eyes, Sirius imagined the way you would have looked at him in both mild accusation and concern. You always were one to tell it to him straight, never sugar coating it to spare him. You preferred being honest, a quality that he always admired in you. Used to admire in you. 

“Your honesty probably got you offed,” he mumbled, eyes still closed but speaking as if you were right there with him. In a way, maybe you were. You were in his mind and even if you were alive, this would still be all he had of you. “That and your smart mouth. You always did know just what to say to rile them up, love. ‘Get them right where you wanted them.” 

Pushing roughly against the wall of the cave, Buckbeak woke with a start and tried to stand before Sirius was stumbling over to calm him. “Sorry, boy. Just can’t get her out’ta my head. You ever know what that’s like? A pretty bird,” he paused, snorting to himself at the slight joke before continuing, “ever catch your eye? Y’know how to love, Beaky?”

Buckbeak simply nudged him, tucking him under his giant wing. The action startled Sirius and the corner of his mouth turned upwards in a hint of a smile, splitting his cracked lip further. Sirius hadn’t felt that sort of comfort from anyone, human or creature, in so long that he didn’t know what to do with it. 

“I really loved her, Buckbeak and I fucked it all up. Merlin knows how sorry I am; s’all my fault too.” 

Staring up at the ceiling of the cave, Sirius’ mind went blank as his heart began to numb. The usual freezing shakes had not bothered him tonight as he carefully cuddled closer into the hippogriff; yet, he could not help the shiver that ran throughout his body at the thought of your cold, lifeless body six feet below him. 

It just didn’t feel right; him being escaped from Azkaban, living a life—albeit a shit one—when you or James or Lily didn’t get to. You would never know how much he loved you, how much he had needed you. You would never be able to follow the dreams you had for after the war. You would never be able to sit and relax in his arms. 

You would never be here, again. 

As Sirius’ eyes slowly drifted closed, he hoped he’d have dreams of you. Because maybe he could have you in his sleep, never to touch and never to keep. Yet, it was as good as he would ever be able to reach, now that you were gone. 

And maybe then he could tell you; maybe then he could have the life he so desperately wanted. Even if he didn’t deserve it. 

Because he couldn’t let you go.


End file.
